It's a Small World After All
"Lake Buena Vista FL...performers who play
Snow White must be trained to deal with men
who occasionally grope or talk dirty to them"
--News Item, New York Times, October 6, 1996

Okay, girly-girls, that's it
For today's Snow White class.
Now you know what you've go to do
When some guy grabs your ass.

Tomorrow will be easier.
Be here at ten-thirty.
Tomorrow you'll learn what to say
When they start talking dirty.

Oh, and girls, one final lesson?
I'll make this one a quickie--
When you're walking out on Main Street,
Don't turn your back on Mickey.

In Lieu of a Christmas Card

The Bellboy's Christmas
The Biblical scholars assembled.
At the hotel I watched them convene
And heard them assert in their seminars
How false was the Bethlehem scene.

Not a single shepherd appeared, they said,
Much less a miraculous star,
And as for the Magi, they murmured,
What a marvelous myth they are.

But out with the rats in the hotel's alley
Where the dumpsters block the sky,
I swear on that cold December morning
I heard Christ in a newborn's cry.

Marlboro Man
I strip the cellophane and rip the foil
And see the tops of tubes where Death
Is advertised to crouch and coil.

Body tells Soul another dirty joke:
It strikes a match, takes a breath,
And sucks in again some dirty smoke.

Entia Non Sunt Multiplicanda
You don't know me, Dr. Ockham,
But I represent Gillette,
And we think your marvelous old razor
Has some profit in it yet.

Now, we're a company respectful of
Lines with a long tradition--
Especially ones with a universal
Brand-name recognition.

We've learned through our market research
That yours is a snob-appealer
Which could be sold through every sort of
Neiman-Marcus kind of dealer.

Our focus groups inform us that you're known
To the college educated,
And that entia slogan of yours--
It will never be outdated.

And to think you've made your way this far
Without a hint of TV time!
To grow so famous by mere word of mouth
Approaches the sublime!

If you let us purchase the subsidiary rights
To the tool that you've devised,
Gillette's got the wherewithal to see
That it's properly advertised.

We'll get us a celebrity spokesman--
Michael Jordan comes to mind--
To tell the world that Ockham's Razor
Is the best a man can find.

Did I hear myself say "a man" just then?
How terribly narrow-minded!
Not to see the world's half female
Is totally to be blinded.

Oh yes, in case you haven't noticed,
Women grow hair upon their legs.
Between us we can make those lovely limbs
Smoother than robins' eggs.

Not to mention their underarms, Dr. Ockham:
Each woman has a pair of pits
Where day by day superfluous hair
Grows out by starts and fits.

Foresighted, surely you can see that ours
Is a Merger Made on High.
The market share we could command is...
As unlimited as the sky!

Allow us to make you rich, Dr. Ockham,
Beyond your wildest dream.
Just put you signature on this contract
And join the sharpest team...

And what did William of Ockham say
In the face of this hard sell?
True to his Principle he told the man,
"Take the shortest road to Hell!"

PROGNOSIS

Death will likely come for me

Cackling and joking

(On his face a hunter's leer)

And find me finally

With a cigarette smoking

And a can of cold cheap beer.

PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION

Why is it that man is so

Given over to pondering?

Isi it because there is or is not

An ultimate yondering?

THE LOOSE TOOTH

Like an old Amsterdam whore

In a dockside red-lit window,

All bawdy wink and leer and giggle,

It says to the passing tongue,

"Hey there, sailor, lighten up--

Come on over and give me a jiggle."